I am very grateful for being able to go home last night and not have to deal with any stress or tension in the air. i am really trying to keep the peace just for the sake of doing it i guess? i don't hate this guy or even have really bad feelings toward him. At times i actually feel sorry for him because his spirit just seems so full of unrest. He told me i am really going to miss you, you know. I told him i too will miss him, but i believe this is the only way to do this, if we will ever have a chance, i don't know, but i know this is needed before we could even try. I would love to see him, become the image of the man  he holds in his head. I believe he is there someplace, but in the meantime he is living a facade of a life, and that just cannot go on. anyway he is leaving for a few days due to a death in his family. i have some concerns that this death might give him the exscuse he needs to keep medicating himself with marijuna and such. he made a  comment that he fees as if he is going to a funeral every two years. I didn't know really what to say to that, other than i am sure his Aunt was met on the other side by her loved ones, and she lived a good life, for a long time.  i can't help but to feel a little excitement that i have a few days off from the tension and stress living together in this situation can cometimes create. i feel exhilerated this morning, i wanted to take the sceni route today so that i could take a moment to enjoy the beauty of the beginning of spring, traffic was flowing so good that i didn't need to take my usual detour though....i am very blessed that i can look out my window at work and see the skyline of St. Louis and a full view of the arch! it's a gourgeous day and i only have god to thank for that. I went back for my third interview for my part time job search, prayfully i will be selected on work for this wonderful organization. i have faith and trust in the lord, that i know he will put me and use me where he wants to. everyone have a beautiful day and thaks again for letting me ramble. :)

i am so ready for this realtionship to end, i  really am. I allowed him to move in with me, because i truly thought i had found the man for me, we were going to get married, start our own business, (transitional housing), we were going to take vactions together, live our life for god......all of that was a facade. I honestly knew in my heart before he moved here, that i was not doing the right thing. I should have listened to that voice in my heart, when the flag first went up. he is not that man i thought he was, he has issues that he needs to deal with...he is still mouring his mothers death twenty years ago, his father's death two years ago, his divorce three years ago, and instead of asking for help in any way, he medicates himself with marijunan and drink. i don't like the way he speaks, he cusses alot, he is not a very clean person around the house, he is lazy and does not have a go get them spirit. he is a slickster that is for sure, i don't like that way he tries to nickle and dime his friends.  if i allowed him to be he would be a controlling, he has a very jealous spirit as well. he is not a father figure i want for my daughter that is for sure, i do not want my daughter around him and do not want him to live with me ever again. my daughter has been with her father this school year in california but will be hone this summer. God knows what he is doing that is for sure, i am foreveer grateful that she was not here during the year to see how ugly he gets, he enjoys argueing i believe, he belives in cussing his mate out, and just being a nasty person at time. moving forward i will wait until the lord shows me my life partner, i know he has a man for me. one whom is hard working, faithful, loving, grateful, loves god, devoted family man, will love my daughter as she is his own, someone i can laugh with, play with, and ejnoy his company. i have none of that at this time, i don't even like to go home at night after work, when he is there. i know this is going to end very soon, i ask that god make a way for him to find a place, a car, and another job so that he may go our on his own. he has to be gone before the summer he has to, because i am ready to be free and to fly! :) My daughter is 15 years old and its important that i show her the right way to live. I have never lived with any other man, than my ex-husband, her father) and this guy was the first. i allowed it because i believed we were working on a future together. he still wants a future with me, i do not want a future with him because there is not one. I don't like hm as a person i realize and i guess thats what makes me sad. but not sad enough to stay in this relationship any longer, not even a little bit! god will make a way for my daughter and I.....i have faith and believe!.