I have to admit it, I am fascinated by Ghosthunters, Ghost Adventures, Paranormal Activity and all of those type shows. I know I am a Christian and I shouldn't be. I know that I shouldn't mess with this stuff and there are numerous passages in the bible about doing so. Quite frankly, I feel a spiritual wall around me that reminds me never to go beyond watching these shows, never to actually 'do' anything apart from watching. I have friends who have messed with this stuff and I know what can happen! So I will always be strictly an observer. I am not even attracted to cheesy horror films, I merely look for reality.

In a funny kind of way, it leads me to truth. It tells me that there is something out there otherworldly. I am a skeptic, I am an unbeliever at times, I have doubts. Where do I seek proof that God is there? One of these shows presents itselfs as a 'Christian'(albeit Catholic) show which presents real evidence of demons as well as spiritual exorcisms done by a member of the cloth and renders help to the people whose house or family member is possessed. This is what really makes it real. Evidence for the evil one being banished in the name of Jesus Christ gets me excited. I am not particularly recommending that anyone see any of this stuff. Maybe its just me that attains power and faith from these shows. I have prayed and God to show me the error of my ways. I feel nothing other that this wall that stops me from being anything other than an observer.

A true test came when I politely refused to go on a 'ghost hunt' with my uncle. I would hit the wall so I declined. 

I like my job. That doesn't mean my company treats me well. I still have a job. I haven't had a raise in 4 years. I can't help thinking that a better job with better compensation would serve me and my family better. I'm not coveting, I pray to God to help me get through financially sometimes, but I have a roof over my head and food in my belly. I do want to give more to my family. Neither is it particularly a job that benefits orphans or homeless people or the needy. Yet, the current book I'm reading, 'When Theres No Burning Bush' suggest that everyones job is a ministry to honor God with. I find it hard to see sometimes. 

So a couple of weeks ago, an opportunity fell into my lap. I set up a job search agent(automatic computer program) a couple of months ago. I don't hear from it all that often, and when I do it sends me something obscure and not at all relevant to me. Well this time in sent me a job, a perfect job. This was what I do, offered a better salary and was about 20 minutes commute away. So I pondered this job for a couple days. I kept getting the 'nagging' feeling, the feeling you get when God wants you to do something (this is always accompanied by the 'peace' feeling when you actually do it). So I applied for it. I sent a resume that I barely kept up to date and waited to hear. All of the time I had a feeling that I had to apply for it. I haven't interviewed in 10 years. A couple days later, the manager called me in for an interview. I prayed to Jesus to be with me for the interview, to give me strength and that I knew his will would prevail.

So I dusted off my brother-in-laws dated suit and got ready for the interview. This was a technical interview and I didn't prepare much. I thought it went OK, there were a couple of stupid answers I gave. I prayed thats God will be done and if I was destined to have this job then I would get it.

Well, its been over a week now, and I haven't heard anything, either from God or from the company. I was supposed to have heard on Friday last week, but nothing. I asked God WHY, WHAT WAS THE POINT? and I hear deathly silence. There must have been some reason God had me apply for that job at that time. This is one of those HUH? moments that will make sense in a couple years - oh yeah, THAT happened so THIS would happen....

So I wait in patience and trust. I do not know what the purpose is, but I trust there is one and that God will reveal it.

So here I am pondering what the heck he had me do that for. What was the purpose?

I don't usually remember my dreams. In fact the dreams I'm speaking of right now, I have mostly forgotton. Over the last couple of years, I've had about 3 or 4 really TERRIFYING dreams. Not worldly dreams about impending disasters, but personal dreams. Each time in my dream I've taking to praying to God as my only way out. Perhaps God tests us in the state of slumber to see if our hearts are true? Our actions in dreams tend to be pretty instinctive and reflect our true selves.

Last night in my dream, I recall being in my local church under a thunderstorm warning, the sky and thunder was violent outside. I glanced outside the church windows (which is weird because the church doesn't have many windows, in fact I call it the 'warehouse church' in light of its meagre construction). Suddenly the whole congregation hit the ground in unison. I recall a redness engulf the church from outside so terrible that the church was ripped off its roots in the ground and we went spiralling into the sky in a tornado. I remember breaking down in prayer and asking for safe deliverence for the church building and its occupants. Somehow after much buffetting and crashing I ended up alone somewhere in a strange place.

The point of this and the other dreams have been that I have always seemed to turn to God and prayer to deliver me from terror. I don't know if God is testing my heart, but I think my heart is true. These dreams are more vivid and terrifying than any dreams I've encountered.   

I have never heard His voice. Or at least, I don't think I have. Is it indistinguishable from my voice of conscience that I hear in my head? Does it merge with that voice? Am I crazy? What I do experience is a few Aha! moments when I read the bible, feelings and hunches to do a certain thing or go a certain way. When I write sometimes on here, I feel like the words coming not from me but from something(or someone) else, in grandiose words which sound like they are taken from years before and words which I do not commonly use. Is this His guidance? Is this Him speaking through me? Why would he use me a sinner? I am not one of those that are particularly in tune with the bible. I only actually read small parts every 3 or 4 days. I don't pray everyday. Half of the old testament is foreign to me and my eyes have never laid upon it. Am I being ridiculous that God would want to talk to ME?

When I received my baptism a year and a half ago, I had a feeling of wanting to float upwards shortly afterwards. I was dripping wet, weighed down by half the contents of a jacuzzi, yet I felt like I was a helium balloon wanting to float skywards. I presume the weight of sin was lifted from me. I wish I could say that from that day I never sinned again. Yet, I continue to do so. Am I alone? Do people usually have a mystical experience connecting to God and never sin again? Granted, in a lot of areas I have been concious to remove sin from my life and lead a life that God has directed in His Word. Yet, Satan continues to tempt me. And he knows my weakness all too well. I fall and I get back up. I pray from forgivness and repent. I pray for strength to help me. It takes a special and intense kind of prayer it seems, one of complete submission, one of admission that I can't do this on my own. It works for a couple days, then I get lax, I forget to pray and hey presto, the sin has happenned again and the enemy has beaten me once more. I can't help feeling that I am not fully living my potential because of sin, so I live in guilt. Yet Jesus' grace should remove me of all this guilt. Undoubtably I feel better and more alive when this sin is absent from me. Is my receptiveness to His Word and his direction subject to my obedience? Am I throwing it all away with my sin?