friday 3rd dec 4.10am. . .

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I am still having trouble overcoming the lusts of the flesh. I didn't get up at 2.40am when the alarm went off to pray at 3am but just turned it off was so tired. Just got up about 10 minutes ago and as soon as i got up i had half a tin of veg soup and a quarter of a slice of bread with a little bit of cheese. Then i found two rizlas and went to my neighbours garden and got some butts out of her astry and made a roll up. It's always hardest when I wake up. That means i only fasted for about 30 hours but i think i will try not to eat any more. .

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LListening to the watchman the red horse of war is about to ride, I was so upset i made a nasty comment saying - why is God doing all this He sounds like a terrorist. No matter how hard i try i just cant get over my double mindedness. I dont want to go back to when i was hating God half the time but i just cant get my head around predestination. If he chose a few people from before the start of the world to be written in the book of life but not most of the people why did he create the rest of the people just for them to definetely go to hell it just seems so evil. I cant believe that at this time last year during Channakah i was so in love with Jesus and felt His presence for a few days and gave up smoking for 5 days. I feel like im going to have a schitzophrenic attack again from believing two different things. Im gonna pray now i dont know why