since from the day that i  became a member of CBN.. a lot of things changed its been a week only..but i could say that i chnaged a lot

    i still have my burdens, i still cry over my problems, i still misses my bf  (our families separated us)...Im still unemployed and financially broken since i cant afford the fare...me and my bf are still looking forward of being able to be married and to raise a simple happy fmily...nobody wants to reach out...

     But then one night i started praying, i could still remember how i wept....i felt soo down during that  time as if its the end of the world for me...But then it made me realize a lot of things....i saw how poverty is pulling us down maybe thats the reason why mom wants me to bemaried to someone elses....Iam not saying that i will obey my mom  to like someone for the sake of money, what im saying is i saw the image of my mom thinking about my future...since papa left us,my mom become miserable, being a product of a broken family, i saw how my papa abused my mother physically verbally and emotionally, my mom struggled to save our fmily for 22 years but she didnt made it...My mom changed a lot since they got separated she started acting like a teen ager (maybe she felt insulted since papa lives with someone who's really young) she'd been into relationships too..Whenever mom looks at me she always  see my father on my face, iam the exact replica of my  father..But one time she told "i need someone to lean on for your 7 year old sis, your father wont even care about us, i need to find someone who would help me with the schooling of your sister, i dont want her to end up living in shanties"...Mom and i doesnt really talk a lot, i know that shes not capeable of working since she had been suffering from rheumatic heart disease, whenever were talking shes always on high pitch voiced, one time i told her," help me with the fare and everything, and im willing to work for you and my sis, we can surpassed this" she just looked at me  and told me "i cant afford" i didnt replied....But i always see her buying cosmetics... Her bf will pay for my sister's tuition fee, me and mom are both proud of my sister since shes teh valedictorian on her school.....

        I prayed hard..and i realized that  at my age i should've be able to stand on my own feet....I prayed again....and reliazed....That i came from a broken family but it doeant necessarily mean that mom wanted that to happen i saw how papa pointed a gun on her head but she didnt left him. that MOM had been a good mother and wife, and if i will  have my own family im begging god not to allow that to happen to me...Inspite of the hardships that iam into now, thou my prayers arent answered or granted i  will never loose FAITH in GOD..and if God will bless my prayers to be able to have enough budget to support my job searching so that i could attend on my pending job final interviews.. I would never turn my back on my mother...

        inspite of these hardships i realized iam not alone..that inspite of the hardships, it still feels good to be on christ's side....problems are heavier if god aint on my side...I even have suicide attempts before out of desperation..But these days even if im still having a hardtime, i now can appreciate the humming of birds w/c constantly reminds me that god is the source of life, that nothing is impossible with HIM