Here I am, in distress about my situation... I am suffering...and one of our friends from T.V land had to remind me, it is what I had prayed for. Well, really what I had prayed for was to continue to be a light to the unbelievers in my life. And I prayed for a ministry. Really what I was praying for was to become greater than I was so I would be equipped to handle it. I didn't know at the time what it would take in me to bring this to pass. I didn't contemplate- or even take into consideration- the process I would go through to be prepared for this answer to prayer. Oh my oh my I'll tell you right now, because of this process I am in, even still- already!- hearts are softening to God. As my Faith is challenged but my hope does not waver- it wavers others in their beliefs.  Softened hearts are the ones that our Lord can begin to change. It happens when others see Jesus in us.

Now, my will and strength breaks apart so it may be rebuilt- always stronger than before. When suffering comes along, it is so important to look for what the situation may change in you. When the lessons are learnt, then God can carry you forward. God is creating in me a greater understanding, and a greater hope and trust in His provisions. I am able to catch glimpses of His plans, and peak into the changes that are taking place in me. I am able to understand why His way is so much greater. I can do it my way- nothing will stop me. I can provide for myself in this life and live untill I die... but can you imagine the things that are to come if I choose the better way?? I'm excited- and expectant- and in anticipation I am planning what I will do. I am also waiting on my transformation. I'm not finished yet...

It is so hard. I layed in bed the other night- all I could do was grasp my Bible to my chest because of the heartbreak I felt. It feels like your heart is being wrenched from your chest, pulled and streched. It physically hurts. Your body is crying for it all to end and aching for relief. Oh, if only it would just stop!- it is a suffering of your soul- you are become shaped and moulded into something greater. That night I had to reconise that this was the change I needed to go through. The process is always the hardest part.

Don't feel sorry for me, even though I'm sure so many of you can sympathise with this kind of heart wrenching, soul clenching, beyond tears kind of torment- it is so human. Just give some praise to God that I am being led through this. That I can reconise how my body and soul will battle me on these internal changes that will ultimately bring me closer to God- if only I can trust HIM through this. Trust Him- my friends. Embrace your pain... let it change you. Praise God that we can GROW closer to Him.

God IS good. Let your eyes be opened upon the changes He asks you to make. Tonight, I'll have no tears... only expectations of greater things tomorrow. Always expect the best from our God.

Bless you... with all my heart I hope this for you.