Sleep escapes me tonight. The battle within me rages on. I fight temptation in my dreams. I dont feel like I sleep a sounds slumber these days.

I can't help but meditate on the Lord countless minutes of the day. So much is changing within me that I feel restless to complete my journey. His church is changing and I feel that I will be a part of that. I realise how much others fail to see the whole truth, and live with only a piece of God's glory in thier lives. Most people don't even seem to realise what they are missing- it disturbes me.

God has given me a responsibility to share the word of God. I feel the weight of it. I can sense the Spirit leading me. It's not easy to speak openly with others about God while still alowing the Spirit to direct your words. I try hard to say the right words. To listen to the wisdom from my Spirit. I do not have the knack Jesus did for divine wisdom and right answers. But I fear losing the chance to say anything to those who come into my path- if only to show that I believe and wait for another time to speak Truth. Daily now I am given opportunities to speak. And daily I am given chances to be silent and only show what life looks like when we walk with the Lord. Facing such doubt and argument about the goodness, and existance, of God becomes exhausting. Trying to do the right and holy thing in everything is hard.

I meet someone, and even when I don't feel like I have the words or wisdom- I am directed to speak. Even when I'm tired of talking I know something needs to be said. Even when I feel like being angry and resentful, or self-serving or boastful- I know I need to show the Truth in the perfect way through my actions and lifestyle. It reminds me of the chapter in John 4 when Jesus speaks to the Samaritan woman. Then His deciples return with food and offer that He eats. I bet He was hungry- He had asked for water at the side of the well and I bet He had been travelling for some time. He declines the food saying that there is work to be done as the people of the town flock to see the messiah. How weary our Lord must have been. He put away His own needs for the work of God.

I take that same weariness upon myself. I am in training, and it's a burden at times. At other time I am exuberant in the opportunities to see the awe in the eyes of others. The awe that I can direct towards God and His glory. The feeling of accomplishing God's work drives me on. It can be exciting to see other begin to crave life with Christ. At other times I can only just bear with the necessity to tell others of my King.

Tonight, I pray for a sound sleep if; it is what I crave. The battle within me is not yet won, but I know I am on the right track. I can feel the change, and experience the change. I can move forward and closer to God in every move I make. My body is tired but my Spirit lacks nothing.

With Love, always.