since from the day that i  became a member of CBN.. a lot of things changed its been a week only..but i could say that i chnaged a lot

    i still have my burdens, i still cry over my problems, i still misses my bf  (our families separated us)...Im still unemployed and financially broken since i cant afford the fare...me and my bf are still looking forward of being able to be married and to raise a simple happy fmily...nobody wants to reach out...

     But then one night i started praying, i could still remember how i wept....i felt soo down during that  time as if its the end of the world for me...But then it made me realize a lot of things....i saw how poverty is pulling us down maybe thats the reason why mom wants me to bemaried to someone elses....Iam not saying that i will obey my mom  to like someone for the sake of money, what im saying is i saw the image of my mom thinking about my future...since papa left us,my mom become miserable, being a product of a broken family, i saw how my papa abused my mother physically verbally and emotionally, my mom struggled to save our fmily for 22 years but she didnt made it...My mom changed a lot since they got separated she started acting like a teen ager (maybe she felt insulted since papa lives with someone who's really young) she'd been into relationships too..Whenever mom looks at me she always  see my father on my face, iam the exact replica of my  father..But one time she told "i need someone to lean on for your 7 year old sis, your father wont even care about us, i need to find someone who would help me with the schooling of your sister, i dont want her to end up living in shanties"...Mom and i doesnt really talk a lot, i know that shes not capeable of working since she had been suffering from rheumatic heart disease, whenever were talking shes always on high pitch voiced, one time i told her," help me with the fare and everything, and im willing to work for you and my sis, we can surpassed this" she just looked at me  and told me "i cant afford" i didnt replied....But i always see her buying cosmetics... Her bf will pay for my sister's tuition fee, me and mom are both proud of my sister since shes teh valedictorian on her school.....

        I prayed hard..and i realized that  at my age i should've be able to stand on my own feet....I prayed again....and reliazed....That i came from a broken family but it doeant necessarily mean that mom wanted that to happen i saw how papa pointed a gun on her head but she didnt left him. that MOM had been a good mother and wife, and if i will  have my own family im begging god not to allow that to happen to me...Inspite of the hardships that iam into now, thou my prayers arent answered or granted i  will never loose FAITH in GOD..and if God will bless my prayers to be able to have enough budget to support my job searching so that i could attend on my pending job final interviews.. I would never turn my back on my mother...

        inspite of these hardships i realized iam not alone..that inspite of the hardships, it still feels good to be on christ's side....problems are heavier if god aint on my side...I even have suicide attempts before out of desperation..But these days even if im still having a hardtime, i now can appreciate the humming of birds w/c constantly reminds me that god is the source of life, that nothing is impossible with HIM

after the storm in my life and the unstoppable tears that flowed from my eyes from the past months....i reflected..realized my mistakes too...definitely its not a sin to love and be loved, we fought for our relationship but our families cant accept it, we were never married in spite that we always wanted too...we've decided to live together without the knot of marriage since our families cant accept our relationship.for 3 years we endured a lot of sacrifices skipping meals for 3-4 days but stil were happy we go to church and pray there.we found work too thats why somehow we manage to survive with our finances. BUt on the late 2009 i always gets sick so all of our savings ended up to the hosp bills and medicines.Finaly we both decided to go back to our families,and as usual our families worked hard to ensure that we wont be able to see each other..i cant blame my mom coz my mom got separated from papa shes financialy unstable only have money to serve food on the table.the family of takashi on the otherhand remove all the means of communications that we could possibly have,and to ensure that we wont be able to see each other they didnt give him money anymore(he cant even find a job since he has no means to look for jobs in the city) as i was reflecting i realized that i need to fix my life first, change should start on my own self. i only need a year to complete my course,i am aware that i wont be able to go back to school due to financial issues. A while ago i worshipped god and ask him to please bless me. I recieved a lot of job offers but i cant pursue it due to finanacial issues, im situated in the province.and basically the job offers that i recieved came from the city, the fare is quiete expensive i cant support it... right now all i wanted to do is help mommy and my 7 year old sis. and if god would spare me the chance to go back to the univ, i will complete my course. please help me god...

after 3 years of struggling we never allowed anyone to knocked us both..we still managed to fight for the relationship..in sickness and in health in hunger, in faith we never leaved each other..

life aint easy..we never loose our hopes and faith..

but after the decision that changed our life..and that is to go back to o ur parents since iam always sick..everything changed...at first were stil hopefull we kept on telling to ourselves that we can surpassed it.its like a romeo and juliet thing, the oly difference is that iam not rich..while he came from a different family, w/o his parents guidance..i could still recall how silent he was when i first saw him..and i now he learned a lot from me, he became moe sensitive towards others become passionate towards others disposition too..

     november 2 2009, after being hospitalized for several occasiions we were both empty handed so we agreed that i need to go back to my mom and he needs t do the same too..starting from there things become different, no more good mornings, the face the i always see before and after the sun sets aint visible...the last time that we saw each other that was dec we were both crying, i escaped from my mom thats why we were able tos pend the night together...we talked about a lot of things regarding our plans...the hardships that we had for the past 3 years but still managed to smile....i know whnever i tel him that i dnt want to be married i know he know that its just a lie..

        a couple of months passed he sometimes sneaks to use the net so that we could still talk, thou his siters usually gets mad at him, then the last time they even set up a password so that he wont be able to use it..its hard....its like "why are they so cruel, why cant they understand" but i kept silent i dont want to add his burden, thelast time we talked he told me that when i was on the bus (the last time that we saw each other) he almost wanted to stopped me from going home, yeah i remember i saw him on the window he was staring at me from the outside of the bus, honestly i almost wanted to cry but instead i just smiled at him. if i could only tell him that upon seeing him and knowing that we might wont be able to see each other again, my heart almost wanted to burst as if i cant breathe, but nope i just smiled at him....then during our conversation he told me that he wants to marry  me that theres nothing more that he wanted, since its just a chat on the net and im avoidig myself to cry i just jested him that "ohhh really" then typed the big LOL then he told me that hes serious for 3 years of living together he had no regrets, during that time i was crying i know he knows that iam crying thou he cant see me, to boosts out faith and not to be too sad i told him DONT WORRY THINGS WILL BE ALLRIGHT..after that  he told me he's sister is already there he cant chat anymore

                       i havent heard any news from him..everynight im always waiting...the momen i wake up till 7am iam awake just to wait for him..i asked his cousins on net but they all told me WE HAVENT SEEN HIM..now im beginning to become paranoid..and as for my mom she had no idea how much im hurting i tried to talk with her a couple of times but she really  told me that she will never accept him...my takashi never cheayed on me i always know that...but im really scared that we might not be able to seee each other again..sometimes i almost want to sneak on my moms wallet and steal, coz i really want to see him ..but i cant do it since mom is single mom (papa has another family) and shes unemployed too i have a 7 yr old sis and i cant take to steal...but what i must i do mom doesnt even allow me to go outside..iam allready 27....and even if i can go outside i cant afford to travel since iam not allowed to have money...

               every night i always cry, its like im useless,i dont knw whats happening..its like im just living bi\ut not existing...sometimes i wanted to hang myself so that they could understand.....