Dont know if I should scream or cry

December 8, 2010 by The Powells   Comments (6)

I was having a good last couple of days...and then the "rain" came down again...sorry if this bounces

I am emotionally and physically exhausted..I have never been a fan of this holiday, yet this year it seems worse...Usually cheers me up to see the nativity up and all the other chirstian christmas decoations, yet this year I dont even have a tree up for the house is ruined..  I have nothing to cheer me up...This house is dusty, dark, and cold..emotionally and realatiy...And the outside weather is dark, cold, and covered in 24 inches of snow.  I just wish I could smile again...

I love my children but it seem that they are driving me more and more insane lately..probally cuz we have all been trapped in one room for far to long, they are probally tired of seening me too..  My son wont leave my daughter daughter wont leave my son alone...the dog keeps bothing them both, plus he keeps getting into the garbage and dragging it everywhere like I need that....My husband is at work all day, then when he comes home he starts working on the house...Or so he says it has been one month and the house looks the i dont know how much work he really is doing...I have been so frustrated the last couple of days I am so tired of being angry and then I am literally tired and that doesnt help when I work 3rd...I have no voice cuz I have yelled so much at my children...I hate yelling at them...why cant they just listen the 1st 50 times i ask them nicely to do something?  I cant breath due to all the dust...My asthma and allergies are acting up so bad...I went to pick up my brother from his job and he said I looked so bad it looked like I was on drugs...I told him thanks...  I feel so drained yet, I dont know if I should cry or scream...i just feel like running away and never coming back...Crawling in a hole and waiting till spring or better yet summer to come around...

Im mad at my husband right now for something that he posted on his facebook account...I talked to him about it and he appologized...I forgave him some for what ever reason...I had to go to his work to pick up my brother and the person he wrote the post about was there...She must have knew I was mad, cuz she  looked like she seen the Devil himself...I guess I looked really mad...My husband thought it was funny though....I didnt know makeing me cry and hurting my feelings was so funny...but I guess it is...Im now mad at him again...  Some people ask me why I stay with him...I guess I am addictated to the pain...I dont know what else to whole life I have been shoved around...I know I should be treated with respect, but he was the first person back in the day to treat me like I counted...then over the years he just turned into the others...He turned into my father, mother, aunts, siblings, everyone around me...I have friends that I have even taken crap from...I even take it from my work...I must have a giant sign on me that says "DOORMAT". 

I read the bible to help make the pain go away, yet it doesnt seem to help...I pray to GOD to let me feel something other than this and nothing...I write to help make the pain go away and still nothing...  I remember when I was younger I use to cut myself to make the pain go away, cuz at least I could control that pain...It was the only thing I had...Now I know that is not good for me or my children...So i just try and use another resource, yet they all seem to not be working...Something has to give eventually...

I was crying earlier and my daughter seen me crying and she asked what was wrong..I didnt lie or tell her any more than she needed to know I just told her  that "daddy made mommy sad."  She then started to cry and climbed up on my lap and said.." I dont like it when dad makes you cry..why cant you be happy? Please be happy.."  It broke my heart a little more...I dont know how many pieces I have left to break...


I got lost on the days to write

December 7, 2010 by The Powells   Comments (3)

I got lost on the days to write and let you all know what day I am on...The weather up here has been horrible and I have not had internet to write..

But overall it has gone very well..he has been nicer and kinder to me and the kids...I hope it continues this way...but i know it will be wrk...Thank you all so much for your thoughts and prayers...

Day 2--The Game

November 29, 2010 by The Powells   Comments (3)

In addition to saying nothing
negative to your spouse again today,
do at least one unexpected gesture
as an act of kindness. 
   We went to the football game today. I was so tired from working 3rd the night before.  I could hardly keep my eyes open at the game.  Then the zipper on my coat broke so I was freezing.  But before all of this we stopped and ate at Tim H, which he was being nice.  Well not like lovely dovey, just being a decent.  Then we went to the game and we were all talking and he was still being nice, I think just cuz his mom and my step dad were with us.  Then we got to the game and he was trying to get me to buy a shirt and stuff, but I am the type of person that does not feel comfortable buying a $30 shirt...It makes no sense to me, there is better things to spend your money on.  Anyway, I think he got a little mad cuz I wouldn't let him buy me one, I should have just to let him feel better, but I couldn't. 
   Well back to me being tired.  Since I was falling asleep so much, believe it or not at a live loud NFL game I was falling asleep and now freezing cuz my zipper on my coat broke, I asked him if he would be mad at me if I went to the Vehicle.  He said no and pointed me in the right direction during half time.  I think he was a little upset but he didn't say anything.  I went to the truck and went to sleep.  They came back after the game and he was still nice.  He did tell me he was never taking me to a game if I worked the night before again, but he said it in a nice way, which I completely agreeded too.
   Then we all went to dinner, dropped our parents off, went and got some movie....That is when he turned back into Dennis.  He was upset that the movie he wanted was out.  I was still looking for a movie and he got angry.  He kept telling me to hurry up, so I just grabbed a movie and went to the check out.  Then the lady said I had a late fee for a movie.  I didn't have that much money, so he had to pay it and then he says to me.." You didn't know those movies were late?  How could you not?"  I just ignored him and payed the lady.  We then went and got the kids and went home.  He immediately got on the computer like he hadn't seen it in years.  The kids and I went to bed.  I don't know what time he did..
   I don't think I did some really great act of kindness for him, but I kept my mouth shut, and let him go to my game tired and everything.  I hope tom. is better...

Day 1- Love is patient

November 27, 2010 by The Powells   Comments (4)

The first part of this dare is fairly
simple. Although love is communicated
in a number of ways, our words often
reflect the condition of our heart. For
the next day, resolve to demonstrate
patience and to say nothing negative
to your spouse at all. If the temptation
arises, choose not to say anything. It’s
better to hold your tongue than to say
something you’ll regret.

He wrked most of the day. Before he left for work he was very very angry.  Yelling at the children and swearing.  Telling them to get dressed and that he was going to be late for work because of them.  It is his fault he woke up late not their's, but he doesnt get that.  I didnt say anything.  I should have, I should have stuck up for my kids, but this book says to keep my mouth shut.  He than went to work, he called once.  When he called he was mean than to, I dont know why he bothers to call if he is just going to hang up on me or be nasty.  I just asked him a simple question about the football game we are going to tomorrow and what time we were leaving.  I work 3rd, so i want to know if I was sleeping on the way there or what.  He got all nasty and said " Dont even go to sleep, cuz you will wake up tired and be a bitch."  I just wanted to know what time the game was.  Why does he have to use such hurtful words?  I keep my mouth closed though. Then I asked him what time he was coming home cuz i wanted to stop at walmart before I went to wrk tonight and get some long johns for tom.  I have no warm clothes.  He just started yelling before I could even tell him why I wanted him home early and then he hung up.  It is so frustrating, at least I couldnt say anything mean, cuz he didnt give me the chance. 

Oh Dear Lord, I pray that this helps. We have both been at a loss in this marriage for awhile now.  I think he has just totally given up, and wants to live his own life, without me and the kids bothering him.  That hurts as you know.  But I Pray to you that this wrks, I am going to give this 110%, but if it doesnt wrk than I know it is over, and I have done everything in my power and have used all the skills that you gave me.  I just pray that it wrks.  That the nights/days get a little less loneler and the tears cry a little less and then pain starts to fade. 

And then there was four into one small room

November 27, 2010 by The Powells   Comments (1)

So I havent been on in a while, but life is just as crazy or even more so than before.  We started remoldeling, but I think having all 4 of us sleep, eat, play, and store things in one room while the rest of the house gets done is getting to us.  My husband has been his same grumpy, nasty old self.  And the situation is showing on my kids, they are starting to act out and be very emotional.  I only wanted one room done at a time, but Dennis thought it would go faster if he did the whole upstairs at once..Note it is not going any faster, It is actually going slower.  I hope this craziness is at least a little better by Xmas, or else there will be no where for a tree. 

Water proof

October 9, 2010 by The Powells   Comments (0)

I started wrking 3rd earlier in the week..It seems like the days blend together...It is so weird, but I like it.  I feel like I have gotten so much in my life accomplished on this shift..I have spent so much time with my kids when the other times even if it was my day off I felt like I was just trying to play catch up..We went to a foot ball game, the playground, and the appleseed festivle all this week, even by myself with out my mother or husband..For I guess for the last couple of years I have been afraid to be alone with them out in public..I dont know why.I never realy understood it..I guess it was just a reasurance thing for myself that if something went wrong or happened there was another set of hands..some one to look at for assistance if needed...I dont really know..but I think that is over now.  I can do stuff by myself now..I feel so much more alive as well..So crazy..I have never felt this self confident before in my life...Always happy on the outside but never really on the inside, yet now I am..The wall is slowly breaking down...yet deep down I still wonder if it is one of those sunshine before the storm type of things..That usual seems how my life has wrked..I get something good/great and then bam crash..all falls apart..\

My wrk is finally training me as a nurse in between hours as an aide as well...My pay checks are nicer cuz i can wrk more hours on 3rd...I have made some new friends as well...I am still having issues with my husband, but now it seems like it doesnt bother me...I am hopefully if it rains it will just repel right off...Good night world...I have to go to wrk...GOD BLESS


September 29, 2010 by The Powells   Comments (1)

Like i stated before, my work finally gave me tons and tons of hours on 3rd shift...Well one of the jobs I put in for finally got back ahold of me and wants me to come in for an interview...They are only currently looking for partime and casual, but they never hiring and this is the first time they have hired nurses in years...I am not going to turn this off down, even if that means casual...But if they can give me more hours, I am wondering If I should take them all and less at the nursing home..or take them all and go casual at nursing home...or take them all and quite the nursing home...For at the hospital I will be making more money and have the chance to use my skills right away and then have room for advancement...Which the nursing home did not keep there part with...I just pray for guidance...for some times the grass is not always greener on the other side...I am waiting to go to the interview and see what they have to offer...then I will have more to help me with the decision that the lord has blessed me with...there is a fork in the road in front of me and I must make a desicion...

Trying to be still

September 26, 2010 by The Powells   Comments (0)

I havent been online lately...Trying to figure stuff out..havent been sure what to write...I havent heard from any of those other job offers yet...But my work did tell me i can have 3rd shift as a nurse...i start that on the 5th of oct.  more 5 day stretches...I hope i dont die, working all those hours...but I did ask for it from the Lord...i am kinda sad that I have to work as an aide still more than a nurse...especially since all my residents will be sleeping, but i will find something to do...I thank you all for praying for me...I know the lord will continue to bless me and he has not forgotten, no matter how small we may feel at times...Thanks once again...

Sending them out...wish them luck

September 21, 2010 by The Powells   Comments (3)

I found the money some how to buy the envelopes and ink..So today after my son gets out of school I will be dropping my new applications off...I am reapplying to the Hospital and to the Hospice facilty...I would really love a job with hospice...For I feel that everyone needs some one to be with them when they pass and to make the most of that moment and releazie it not so sad. 

Please pray for me and these applications and that they go to the right spot and that the LORD bless these applications and this family.

I hate the green eyed monster that lives inside of me....

September 20, 2010 by The Powells   Comments (2)

I was having a good day, at least decent day...Then my several of my classmates tell me they got jobs at the hospital I was applying too...I never got a call...It kind of hurts.  Im happy for them, but yet angry at the same time.  Why them and not me?  Some of them didnt even work hard in school...Some of them didnt try at all in school...Some failed alot of test and got a lot of Unsatisfactories in clinical...I why didnt I get a job??  I know it is what it is, but still it is so frustrating...I just have to let GOD take it over now...I have my applications out well all that I could...and now I just have to wait and see what he has next for me...