turning 53

June 12, 2021 by Michelle   Comments (2)

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A couple of days ago I turned 53. Usually for the last few years at least it has been a - wish I had never been born day, - rather than a Happy Birthday. I used to often wish I was dead and had a few half-hearted suicide attempts, but since I have known Jesus is real I know heaven and hell must be real so I don't see suicide as an easy way out now but a doorway to an even greater anguish eternal damnation in hell. I don't know what the root cause of all this depression is my life wasn't too hard especially compared to a lot of people. Since I started seriously following JESUS a couple of years ago now I think I still get really mixed up with time lines my memory is terrible mostly due to all the street drugs I have taken - heroin, base speed, crack, marijuana and alcohol and psychiatric drugs. I used to have a diagnosis of paranoid schitzophrenia now its been changed about 5 or 10 years ago to schitzo-affective disorder which is schitzophrenia with bi-polar. It's very hard to live with sometimes and even harder for the people around me especially my poor daughter who is 33 and has 4 children of her own. She had such a sad life due to my neglect through my many descents into madness and drug use as well but she never complains, for my birthday and for mother's day she always gets me a teddy or a mug or something with best mum in the world on it and makes a card and writes really lovely things in it that are not really true like thanking me for always being there for her. I know the pychiatrists say some mental disorders are hereditery schitzophrenia is growing more prevelant now we are in the End Times and Satan and the demons are running amok and people are sinning more and more, but I know about 20 years ago when I was at college I read it was 1 in 100 who had it in general population and if a parent had it the prevelance was one in ten so its a big worry of mine. The main cause as well i think is pride and rebellion - the original sins of satan, and drug abuse especially marijuana, crack and speed and demonic affliction and possession. ...

I first knew JESUS was real over 10 years ago i can.t really explain what happened and i wasn.t born again but I experienced a miracle for sure. Suddenly one night I just had no doubt JESUS was real, I can.t explain further than that - I just KNEW without any shadow of a doubt. I didn.t see Him and He didn.t exactly speak to me in an audible voice or words but I just knew He promised to get me of heroin and methadone which I was addicted too. Heroin is not just addictive psychologically but physically its a very hard detox and takes about 7 days of suffering until its out of your system. Methadone is a heroin substitute invented by the nazi's and can take weeks and months to totally detox off. I had to lie to my drug worker as I was on daily pick up due to fear of overdose having to pick up my methadone every day so i told them i was going on holiday and asked for a weeks supply. I didnt have one last hit of heroin like i usually do with trying to get clean of heroin and other drugs i just stopped and i cut my methadone down over a few days, i didnt even finish the bottle i had about 50 or 100 ml left and gave it to a friend, i experienced hardly any withdrawals it was so easy and Im truly grateful to JESUS for this wonderful miracle though I don.t understand why I wasnt born again and so it seems nor does anyone else. So many people think I must be born again but Im not - I dont have the fruits of the Spirit - peace, love, joy, long suffering, steadfastness and especially self control. ...

I also stilll have a lot of issues with demons although thank God I am no longer demon possessed like on my last schitzophrenic episode but still lot of demonic affliction and can't stop smoking tobacco. I know if the rapture comes i am not on the guest list - He is coming for a bride a church without spot or wrinkle. I hope this is the year I finally get born again. Im not very good at writing and my thoughts are all over the place and sometimes i cant tell which are my own thoughts and which are demonic intrusions but I am going to try and blog everyday for my own reference and for others who have similar issues maybe I will get born again and can manifest to them the power of God's mercy and forgiveness through the sacred blood of Christ who died on the cross for our sins. It is by grace that we are saved by faith and not through works least any man should boast, thats from the Bible and I totally believe it. It.s also true that in the book of James it says faith without works is dead, and it also says He is creating a perculiar people zealous for good works but these good works are also through grace set up by God for us before we were saved. The song for today is just another birthday by Casting Crowns here are the lyrics. ...


Just Another Birthday

Sixteen finds me
Blowing out candles and making wishes
And all around me
Is everyone but the one I'm wishing for

And he sent me flowers
And gift-wrapped excuses
From a daddy whose daughter
Wants to see him again

And I know, I know
It's just another birthday
But I guess I thought
This would be the one

When he would call me, see me
Hold me and free me
But it's just another birthday
And I'll be fine, I'll be fine

Nineteen finds me
And I'm wild-eyed and wide open
I gave myself away to love
But backseat promises fade like a mist

I'm screaming at the midnight air
Everyone hears me but I don't care
My heart's clenched just like a fist
'Cause, people, I didn't ask for any of this
And I'm not fine, I'm not fine

In the company of strangers
In a cold and sterile room
All alone with a child inside me
And I don't know what to do

Jesus, can You hear me
Come and heal my brokenness
Put the pieces back together
And be a Father to the fatherless

Twenty-one finds me
Blowing out candles and making wishes
And all around me
My barefoot princess twirls and sings

It's so amazing
Looking back at all God's brought us through
You are my happy birthday
And you were born to break the chains

Now I know, I know
It's not just another birthday
'Cause I'm here, she's here
And look how far we've come

Since you've called me, saw me
Held me and freed me
Thank you, Lord, for another birthday
And we'll be fine, we'll be fine

Songwriters: Tom Douglas, John Mark Mark Hall
For non-commercial use only.
The daddy i am longing to see again like the girl in the song is not my earthly father who is in Australia and who i didnt see much when i was young and my parents were divorced for about 20 years and stuff but who finally got back together but my heavenly father and Jesus who the Bible says in the book of Isaiah is everlasting Father. He is a Father to the fatherless. The root cause of my depression and I think everyones depression is seperation from God. Now i know what the saying miserable as sin means but i still can.t stop sinning by smoking tobacco and thinking evil thoughts about God's justice. I no longer take any other drug now except caffeine and tobacco. I also take valium but only 8 ten mls a month i am prescribed. I used to be prescribed temazepam sleeping pills 20mg a night but i gave them up because i was abusing them getting high of them and nearly overdosed i have been off them about 3 months now it took a few attempts but Jesus got me free. I sleep better i wasnt addicted to them physically because i never took them every night as i always ran out through taking too many at once. but psycholigcally and emotionally i was addicted. Now i dont think about them except to thank and praise Jesus for occassionally. I also used to be on anti depressants but i nearly accidently overdosed on them one time and it was very scary i collapsed and think i nearly died only God knows the true extent of what happened. I also stopped them because they were making me feel too numb and i already feel so numb and dead inside from the many decades of sin and rebellion. ..
my prayer request from my birthday - .I am 53 today and I thank God that i survived and didn't end up burning in hell for my sinful life. My daughter and 4 grandchildren came over we had a lovely time and they brought me many nice gifts but now the biggest gift i want is to feel the presence of our saviour Yashua again. I pray that i change a lot more this year and loose this stubborn rebellious resenting God attitude and gain a new heart like the Bible promises so many times - an obedient, faithful devoted and compassionate heart. Thank you all who pray for me at CBN i never would have made it through this year without your prayers and guidance. God bless.

Thank You for being so honest and open about Your life and struggles Michelle... thank You for also witnessing to others of God's power and what he can and will do in our lives if we let Him... Praying for Your complete freedom in mind, body and spirit for it will happen, (don't ever give up) in Jesus' Precious Name Amen. Sending our Love Sister.

Keith Jun 13, 2021 at 2:52 pm Flag as inappropriate