I pray each day for healing, for God to help me understand why it is that my husband has abandoned us. I struggle with this in so many ways. 

When I was 20 years old, I married my first husband. We had a good marriage until our daughter was born, then he spiraled out of control into a drunken state. I stayed with him for five years always praying that God would cure him, that he would drive the devil out of this wonderful man and he would understand that God's love would save all of us. When my children and I were hiding in a closet one night while waiting on the police to remove him from our home again, I gave in and said no more. God's Angels came to me at that moment and lifted all my burdens. I was relieved from the agony and stress that had divulged my life.  I'll never forget at that moment how wonderful I felt, there were trials and tribulations through the divorce, but I got through and found what I thought was my humanly reward for the difficult time I went through.

Enter Chris two years later. He had been divorced from his wife who was unfaithful to him. At the time Chris was living with nothing, he was renting a room in my brothers basement, working as a bartender and telling me of his path to destruction. He weighed in at 450lbs when we met, I didnt care. I loved his inner self, I loved the way he treated me and the children. We dated, he would make my lunch, my tea, my coffee, take care of me and the kids. I in turn took care of him, paying for his car to get fixed, working with bill collectors and others to get his credit on track. I helped him through his emotions of weight and addiction to food. We were great together, and our life in the past year finally started to evolve. We both have great jobs, financially secure, good cars and a beautiful home. He had gastric bypass surgery last year as well and our life was never more amazing, we were planning to send my son to college and preping for his high school graduation when my world came crashing down.

We were at a baseball game one night, I noticed a text message from an old girlfriend on his phone. He stood and turned away from me to answer the message. I didnt say anything, hoping that it was just nothing and move on. However, the devil got the best of me the next day and I looked at his phone records only to find that he had been texting her over and over and over again. Pages of her number were everywhere. I was shocked, and called him. We fought for 3 days, him telling me she was just a friend, I was overreacting and that this was nothing more than a friendship. Finally he asked me to meet him after work, I did and he told me he wasnt in love with me anymore, that he loved her and he had been unfaithful to me in only an emotional way. This was on May 9th. Today, the divorce papers are signed and sitting at the Judge's office. I cry every day, I cant believe that I'm not even 40 and looking at my second divorce. The worst of it is, I miss our life so much. So much. Each day all I think about our the love letters and text he would send me every day, telling me how I saved him from the wreckage his life was becoming.

I need strength to move on, I need to have the devil out of my head because of all the negative thoughts going through my mind. I pray for God to help me forigive them both, to help heal me. Help me to reach out to God, help me love again, to be myself again and to quit crying all the time. 

Everyone says this is his way, that he moves on quickly and never returns. I saw that in him with many jobs, but never thought he would do this to our wonderful family and relationship. I have to accept this divorce, accept that he is gone from our lives forever. I know this "The Lord will save me, and we will sing with stringed instruments all the days of ourlives in the temple of the Lord" Isaiah 39:2.

Someone else told me that "God will give you as many smooth stones as you need for your slingshot". Today I went to the last place where I saw him in person and picked up some stones and cried. I'm going to remove those stones today, they need to come from a better place in my life.

This is long and I dont know if this is the right place to add this information, so I'm sorry. But I praise anyone who can reach out, make this better and help me understand why I'm suffering so much. I know God has a plan for me, and I need to be strong, but I'm tired of being strong. I'm tired of being alone and tired all the time. I need to focus on the many blessing he has bestowed upon me.

Thank you.Lisa