I was having a good last couple of days...and then the "rain" came down again...sorry if this bounces

I am emotionally and physically exhausted..I have never been a fan of this holiday, yet this year it seems worse...Usually cheers me up to see the nativity up and all the other chirstian christmas decoations, yet this year I dont even have a tree up for the house is ruined..  I have nothing to cheer me up...This house is dusty, dark, and cold..emotionally and realatiy...And the outside weather is dark, cold, and covered in 24 inches of snow.  I just wish I could smile again...

I love my children but it seem that they are driving me more and more insane lately..probally cuz we have all been trapped in one room for far to long, they are probally tired of seening me too..  My son wont leave my daughter alone..my daughter wont leave my son alone...the dog keeps bothing them both, plus he keeps getting into the garbage and dragging it everywhere like I need that....My husband is at work all day, then when he comes home he starts working on the house...Or so he says it has been one month and the house looks the same...so i dont know how much work he really is doing...I have been so frustrated the last couple of days I am so tired of being angry and then I am literally tired and that doesnt help when I work 3rd...I have no voice cuz I have yelled so much at my children...I hate yelling at them...why cant they just listen the 1st 50 times i ask them nicely to do something?  I cant breath due to all the dust...My asthma and allergies are acting up so bad...I went to pick up my brother from his job and he said I looked so bad it looked like I was on drugs...I told him thanks...  I feel so drained yet, I dont know if I should cry or scream...i just feel like running away and never coming back...Crawling in a hole and waiting till spring or better yet summer to come around...

Im mad at my husband right now for something that he posted on his facebook account...I talked to him about it and he appologized...I forgave him some for what ever reason...I had to go to his work to pick up my brother and the person he wrote the post about was there...She must have knew I was mad, cuz she  looked like she seen the Devil himself...I guess I looked really mad...My husband thought it was funny though....I didnt know makeing me cry and hurting my feelings was so funny...but I guess it is...Im now mad at him again...  Some people ask me why I stay with him...I guess I am addictated to the pain...I dont know what else to feel...my whole life I have been shoved around...I know I should be treated with respect, but he was the first person back in the day to treat me like I counted...then over the years he just turned into the others...He turned into my father, mother, aunts, siblings, everyone around me...I have friends that I have even taken crap from...I even take it from my work...I must have a giant sign on me that says "DOORMAT". 

I read the bible to help make the pain go away, yet it doesnt seem to help...I pray to GOD to let me feel something other than this and nothing...I write to help make the pain go away and still nothing...  I remember when I was younger I use to cut myself to make the pain go away, cuz at least I could control that pain...It was the only thing I had...Now I know that is not good for me or my children...So i just try and use another resource, yet they all seem to not be working...Something has to give eventually...

I was crying earlier and my daughter seen me crying and she asked what was wrong..I didnt lie or tell her any more than she needed to know I just told her  that "daddy made mommy sad."  She then started to cry and climbed up on my lap and said.." I dont like it when dad makes you cry..why cant you be happy? Please be happy.."  It broke my heart a little more...I dont know how many pieces I have left to break...

I got lost on the days to write and let you all know what day I am on...The weather up here has been horrible and I have not had internet to write..

But overall it has gone very well..he has been nicer and kinder to me and the kids...I hope it continues this way...but i know it will be wrk...Thank you all so much for your thoughts and prayers...

The first part of this dare is fairly
simple. Although love is communicated
in a number of ways, our words often
reflect the condition of our heart. For
the next day, resolve to demonstrate
patience and to say nothing negative
to your spouse at all. If the temptation
arises, choose not to say anything. It’s
better to hold your tongue than to say
something you’ll regret.

So I havent been on in a while, but life is just as crazy or even more so than before.  We started remoldeling, but I think having all 4 of us sleep, eat, play, and store things in one room while the rest of the house gets done is getting to us.  My husband has been his same grumpy, nasty old self.  And the situation is showing on my kids, they are starting to act out and be very emotional.  I only wanted one room done at a time, but Dennis thought it would go faster if he did the whole upstairs at once..Note it is not going any faster, It is actually going slower.  I hope this craziness is at least a little better by Xmas, or else there will be no where for a tree. 

I started wrking 3rd earlier in the week..It seems like the days blend together...It is so weird, but I like it.  I feel like I have gotten so much in my life accomplished on this shift..I have spent so much time with my kids when the other times even if it was my day off I felt like I was just trying to play catch up..We went to a foot ball game, the playground, and the appleseed festivle all this week, even by myself with out my mother or husband..For I guess for the last couple of years I have been afraid to be alone with them out in public..I dont know why.I never realy understood it..I guess it was just a reasurance thing for myself that if something went wrong or happened there was another set of hands..some one to look at for assistance if needed...I dont really know..but I think that is over now.  I can do stuff by myself now..I feel so much more alive as well..So crazy..I have never felt this self confident before in my life...Always happy on the outside but never really on the inside, yet now I am..The wall is slowly breaking down...yet deep down I still wonder if it is one of those sunshine before the storm type of things..That usual seems how my life has wrked..I get something good/great and then bam crash..all falls apart..\

My wrk is finally training me as a nurse in between hours as an aide as well...My pay checks are nicer cuz i can wrk more hours on 3rd...I have made some new friends as well...I am still having issues with my husband, but now it seems like it doesnt bother me...I am waterproof..so hopefully if it rains it will just repel right off...Good night world...I have to go to wrk...GOD BLESS

Like i stated before, my work finally gave me tons and tons of hours on 3rd shift...Well one of the jobs I put in for finally got back ahold of me and wants me to come in for an interview...They are only currently looking for partime and casual, but they never hiring and this is the first time they have hired nurses in years...I am not going to turn this off down, even if that means casual...But if they can give me more hours, I am wondering If I should take them all and less at the nursing home..or take them all and go casual at nursing home...or take them all and quite the nursing home...For at the hospital I will be making more money and have the chance to use my skills right away and then have room for advancement...Which the nursing home did not keep there part with...I just pray for guidance...for some times the grass is not always greener on the other side...I am waiting to go to the interview and see what they have to offer...then I will have more to help me with the decision that the lord has blessed me with...there is a fork in the road in front of me and I must make a desicion...

I havent been online lately...Trying to figure stuff out..havent been sure what to write...I havent heard from any of those other job offers yet...But my work did tell me i can have 3rd shift as a nurse...i start that on the 5th of oct.  more hours...like 5 day stretches...I hope i dont die, working all those hours...but I did ask for it from the Lord...i am kinda sad that I have to work as an aide still more than a nurse...especially since all my residents will be sleeping, but i will find something to do...I thank you all for praying for me...I know the lord will continue to bless me and he has not forgotten, no matter how small we may feel at times...Thanks once again...

I found the money some how to buy the envelopes and ink..So today after my son gets out of school I will be dropping my new applications off...I am reapplying to the Hospital and to the Hospice facilty...I would really love a job with hospice...For I feel that everyone needs some one to be with them when they pass and to make the most of that moment and releazie it not so sad. 

Please pray for me and these applications and that they go to the right spot and that the LORD bless these applications and this family.

I was having a good day, at least decent day...Then my several of my classmates tell me they got jobs at the hospital I was applying too...I never got a call...It kind of hurts.  Im happy for them, but yet angry at the same time.  Why them and not me?  Some of them didnt even work hard in school...Some of them didnt try at all in school...Some failed alot of test and got a lot of Unsatisfactories in clinical...I didnt...so why didnt I get a job??  I know it is what it is, but still it is so frustrating...I just have to let GOD take it over now...I have my applications out well all that I could...and now I just have to wait and see what he has next for me...