I havent had phone or internet for the last couple days..Husband stated he paid the bill, but he didnt.  He came home thursday and asked me what type of mood I was in..I told him none, he said good.  I said why, for he told me he didnt get a paycheck.  I just looked at him and looked away.  This doesnt surprise me or hurt me.  For he borrowed so much money off his boss over the last 2 weeks for his gambling that his boss just kept the check.  It hurts me though, that my children suffer.  Our son worked so hard on his spelling test, getting 100% each and every time so he could get a new lego toy set that he has been working so hard on, which I promised him, his heart was broke...but not as much as mine...He hurts watching your kids learn at a young age that no matter how hard you work for something, with murvys law something will go wrong.

He gave me his wedding band back the other day, said he didnt deserve it.  I am wearing it, but he said he is still living here which confuses me...why give the band then?  He makes no sense some days...He is sad and depressed too...I dont know what went wrong, we go from good to horrible, to just not caring anymore.  He told me I have to start paying the bills and he wont cash his check...but we will see, he has said that before...

Somedays I feel like Im living back with my mom..The bills are piling up, the shelves are bare, and the government doesnt care.  My husband makes to much money, it is not there fault he has an addiction, that is our problem.  It use to be like this when I was younger too, when my mom was going through an Im going to finally live my own life phase and us 3 kids were left to defend for our selfs.

People ask why I dont leave...I said I took a vow, for better or worse and better use to be here, but then the devil moved in upstairs...Im still trying to get rid of him, but he is like a cockroach, keeps coming back.  I love my husband, at least the real Dennis.  I know he is burried deep down inside...and I dont want to have to stand in front of GOD and have him ask 'why didnt you stay with you husband, you seen him hurting, you seen him sinking, yet you left?"  I dont want that....I made a promise...we will both get out of this together...It just seems that the light is not big enough yet for both of us to see.  Some day he will, someday...which i hope is sooner than later...

On a happier note in my life....I got an application from another employer the other day...I hope this means that things are turning around...For now I just need a stupid $3 envelope and some $40 ink for my printer and I can send it in..I pray that when I do it is not too late...  I need a better  job...I need to feed and cloth my children...Since my other half feels like he dont have too...If I have to I will work both jobs, as long as they eat I will be happy...This is my job and that is to take care of them.  It would be so much easier if he would help.

Today I worked day shift for my mother in law.  The day started off ok.  I was in a good mood, I didnt feel rushed or out of place on a different shift that I never worked and with ppl that I never worked with.  But then some one tells me that the DON had me scheduled to stay till 3 instead of 2.  What?  I have to pick my son up from the bus at 3 and we live 25 miles away, I cant stay.  I tell the charge nurse and she says very rudely to me that it is not her problem and to to talk to the head nurses.  There is one standing across the hall, I inform her and she said that she is not going to get involved and to talk to the DON.  I cant find her, I ask if I can page her and I get a nasty look and told no, this is around 10 am.

Several hours go by, I am getting nervous because she is still no where to be seen, and I have to leave at 2 to get my son.  I finaly find her, I inform her of the situation, she is not impressed.  She tells me, "Well you said you wanted to come in at 7 not 6."  I stated I asked you if I could work 7-2 and you said we would see so I assumed that ment no because you never got back to me and you seen me here at 6.  I cant stay, I have to get my son.   She says well if leaven at 2 is so important why are you telling me at 12:30?  I tell her what the other nurses told me, she rolls her eyes and says we will see if I can find you coverage.  I tell her that no matter what I am sorry I will be leaving at 2 for I have to get my daughter from my mom before she goes to work and I have to get my son off the bus, I will not let my 6 year old stay home alone for an hour.  She is mad, probally didnt help that the day before I told her I was quiting if she didnt put me on the nurse in the next 2 weeks.

I made it home in time what a relief.  I took my son to sign up for scouts after that.  Still feel lost though.  I dont know what I am doing so wrong that I cant find an LPN job.  I was at the top of my class, busted my butt to get those grades and those clinical marks.  What is so wrong?  It is frustrating.  Even the place you work for does not see your potential and neither does anyone else. Lots of others in my class are getting jobs, why cant I? 

I check the phone and the email every day, several times a day hoping one called back, but still nothing several weeks.  I called placed to confirm applications, either the person I need to talk to is never in or they tell me that it is still being processed..I have prayed so long and so hard I feel like it is a waste of time for nothing is happening. 

I just hope that this cloud is lifted.  I have waited so long for this rainbow, yet all I see is still the rain.  Hopefully the sun comes out soon.  I need to see the silver lining.  I need to lift this burden, the satin and sinful feelings. 

Today I feel better... I read the good book to my children.. they seemed to like it...i looked up alot of stuff for there birthday...It was a night quiet day...

I also wrote a note to my boss telling her that if she didnt put me in as an LPN like she promised and if she didnt give me 3rd as well I was quiting...I hope this is what GOD wants..I wont know until the next couple of days

Still havent heard from the other places I applied at...It hard waiting but it will get better...

Well Good night world I have to work day shift for my mother in law tom...hopefully my boss tells me her plans tom.  God Bless...and thanks for all of the prayers

Today I feel numb.  I woke up early in attempts to go to church, but that did not happen.  I got the children dressed and myself, ready to leave, but couldnt find my daughters shoes.  Not one single pair, I dont know where they went. My husband still laying in bed says he doesnt want to go to church anyway.  I pray for his salvation. 

I sit on the couch angry.  Why do I feel this way so often lately?  I dont feel like this when Im out of the house, when I am away from my husband and kids, so why at home?  I hate this feeling.  I hate being so angry all the time.  Use to be a very happy person, not so more lately, what went wrong?

We go to a surprise party for his little sister later in the day, She is turning 21.  Everyone excited and giving gifts.  We didnt have the money, my husband never paid the baby sitter and owed her almost $200, that is my whole pay check after paying car insurance.  I feel sad at the party, like an outsider.  They are all excited for her and cooing over the other babies.  Why dont they act like that over my kids, never did, guess they dont care. It hurts, no one got me anything for my birthday, which was in july, i dont even think anyone remembered.  No one got my husband anything either, I guess they dont care.  They are talking about going to the bar in several days to celebrate, I dont drink, I get sadder if I do, plus my husband is going through some issues with that right now.

I go home and talk to an old class mate on the computer about it.  I cry acouple tears, then nothing.  She says she will pray for me.  Lets hope it works. 

Wow, today was full of mixed emotions; numbness, anger, and sadness.  I hate this, why all the time?  Almost every day, I pray for the feeling to go away to find some peace in my life, but that seems to not happen.  What am I do wrong?