oh Lord,

I feel like a failure; I have not made you as a failure, I have not made you to fail, says the Lord

I feel weak; I have made you strong

I feel powerless; I am powerful

I feel reckless; I am in control

I am scared; Come under my wing

I don't see my provisions in the future; I have gone ahead, and made your way

The path seems so narrow; Obedience is bliss, My child. I know when to widen your path, your ankle wont turn.

I don't want to doubt, but sometimes I do; The waves are high, these I have created to show you your weakness, and prove my strength. They too are under my control.

And when I feel lonely?; I will bring others to you, I have given them words of encouragement.

And when my Faith falters?; I will renew.

If all I can do is come before you weeping?; This too shall pass.

This is what else i've wanted to say, what I could not get off my tongue the last couple of days...

I have been struggling with confidence in myself, my Faith in the Lords work in my life. I've been telling God, from my heart- that it is not Him I doubt, His power or His soverginty, but I doubt myself, my own choices and decisions that will either separate me from God, or bring me closer to God's will. I do not have Faith that I will choose right.

I have been corrected this week. My mere human understanding has been challenged.

I was reminded of Peter- when Jesus called him to step out of the boat and walk on water, do you remember that? Peter's Faith was great, his Faith in Jesus- Jesus said he could, that's what he was going to do. I imagine him eagerly scrambling to the side expediently to do the miraculous. That's amazing, good job Peter. But then, Peter began to sink. I picture him looking down, realising the circumstances he was in, surrounded by the crashing waves and confronted with his human understanding of the laws pf physics. Peter still did not doubt Jesus, he actually called out to Jesus to save him. Peter doubted himself, his understanding of the situation, and his abilities. "oh ye of little faith". Jesus was not referring to his spiritual Faith, but his Faith in what Jesus told him he could do.

God said His power will be upon you when He leads you to accomplish something. Oh my little Faith- in what God told me to do. Oh little Faith in the person God said I was. I am the child of the king of the universe, there is nothing I can't do when God has set the way. God will provide for me with His power when He sees fit. My choices cannot stop the will of God from coming to pass. His purpose will prevail, no matter what mistakes I make. I fear being set back from His purpose, but that is why I have been told to rely on Him for understanding and wisdom.

My Faith is in the future, renewed to my abilites and sense of self. God has put me in His purpose by the way of hardship and adversity. I am in the smack dab of God's will.

I pray for wisdom and understanding- I pray for the guidance of the Spirit- and most importanty for the strength of will to obey. For all God's people...

I have been learning so much lately.

But now the only thing I have on the tip of my tongue is praises and Glory to God for providing for all our needs. I have been blessed with a job this week that not only will offer me salary but extrodinary experience in fulling my purpose. Before I entered the interview I was fighting off nervousness, and I began praying to God. I had asked Him for peace, that I do not want anything apart from His will in my life, so if it His will for me to have this position, then open my mouth and let wisdom come out, and show me favor from the Lord that will account for my purpose in this position. I was hired on the spot, praise God, and the project I have the honour of being a part of is something that will change the lives of many Calgarians while setting the tone for human services throughout the rest of the country. The project is seeking brand new interventions to serve the youth, children and families of Alberta through school cirriculum and the police services.

Praise God. When I extend my excitement and celebration to others, I consistently am asked the question "do you think you can handle it?" I have two children, I'm running a single parent home, and working on my degree on a very demanding applied program. This doubt I will not let into my heart, if it is equipped from God, I WILL succeed. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me... I have been working day and night these past few week, but I have so much joy! I have peace- even when things go wrong... I am learning, becoming shaped by adversities through the hands of God.

It is important to stay committed to God's purpose in your life, so you may be filled to overflowing with the provision from our Lord. To be committed to seeking God's face, and understand the way He wants us to live our life- as peacemakers, reaching out out to the broken, and loving with all the understanding you have.

"Be still, and purposeful, knowing that I am GOD"

Oh so responsibly I have create a detailed budget sheet in the last couple of weeks. I was quite proud of myself, as I have never look at Excell never mind try and make something of it. But out comes a complicated template of the lext 8 months; cells all link, actual monthy budgets, actual costs and estimate costs, actual savings and estimated savings, and yearly running totals. Yay me.

Now as I can see with October ending- as I have included with extra costs to my car, and my cats' absessed cheek and vet bill, I am running short for the new year. THATS OK.

I am resounding a firm praise God! now that all my needs will be provided for, as they have always been. I have done the responsible thing and chosen to keep track of my spending in detail so I will be accountable it. NOW I can wait on the Lord to ballance in all out. It will happen, and it will be ok. That was my promise.

It doesn't matter what is on paper two months from now, there is a whole lot of time in between for God to work His power. With the Lord I will never be short. This was a tempting opportunity to worry and scramble to figure out how I can make some extra money. If I didn't know God or trust Him so completely I might. But I wont. I will wait on the Lord, and take the opportunities He provides me with. Maybe He will provide my with financial opportunites, or maybe it will be a blessing. Because I am confident I am on God's narrow path and working as hard as I can to comeplete His purpose in my life, I will sit back and sigh in relief that my God has already thought ahead.

In the meantime I will also bless others when the opportunity arises- without worring about the money I lose in a blessing transaction. God wants us to give our finances to Him, and that mean reaching out with it for the Glory of God, and letting go of what you know you need- then trusting that more is coming to you through THE PLAN.

A few months ago, when I was in the mess of my turmoil comtemplating how I will ever survive financially on my own with my two kids, God taught me this: I didn't have any money and I had sold some accests in order to get some. At this point I had to pay to move, pay damage deposit, AND first months rent. These assest were enough to barely cover moving costs. In a moment trying to be self sustaining I took a bit of that money, put it in an envelope and put it away for a feeling of security measures. It was about a month later, maybe less, when God put it in my heart to give it away. I knew where I was supposed to give it but I wresled with the thought that I was giving up my security money. God was teaching me to give all financial control to Him. So it took me a little longer, as I wrestled, but I did eventually give it where I was asked. And I'm sure it was just in time for His plan in that situation.   

The worry was for nothing, as I did move, I did have damage deposit, I have been paying my rent on time every month- PRAISE GOD. How can this be? I'm a full time student and busy mom- I dont even work!

My point is: if I could trust God in the past, I can trust Him now, and trust Him with my future. He will not fail me. Ask me 8 months down the road how everything went- I'll be singing praises then, just as I am now. Have faith without doubt and watch it come to pass. Each time it will, it also serves to strengthen your faith. This is a good thing, since the closer you get to God and the more you lean on Him, the harder the enemy will work to destroy; Ha-ha desperate pathetic attempts!

Glory to God!

We all have suffering in our life. I have discovered two kinds of suffering.

The first kind of suffering is in sin. My own sin that weighs on me, but also in the sin and temptations from others that have destroyed these things I have tried to build. This suffering is from the enemy, God does not touch your life with sin. Call out to God for forgiveness and changed hearts for others. Through this kind of suffering be aware of what God wants you to do, where He wants you to be, and where will He lead you in order to bring justice for, and redemption from, the sin. God wants to lead away from sin. He did not give it to you, but He knew it would befall on you and He knows what to do with it. AND He will restore what the locus' have eaten.

The second kind of suffering is God breathed. Isaiah 30:20 "Although the Lord gives you the breath of adversity and the water of affliction, your teachers will be hidden from you no more; with your own eyes you will see them". Breath, and water. What?!? These are things that strengthen your body. Often these God-breathed sufferings are trials or personal struggles. It is often a test of your character. Be aware of who is teaching you. God brings people into your life to teach you and encourage you. Once you can see your internal, fleshly weakness and realise how it is keeping you from God. It's to teach you, correct you, bring you awareness of your nature.

God works all things for your good. God wants to lead you closer to him and give you a greater understanding of His character. Cry out to God for wisdom and strength. and he will answer: Isaiah 30:19. With this awareness you can understand the unlimited, unending, uplifting love and grace of our God. In the end, when you are on the other side of this suffering and know you have done well, you will have a renewed sense of peace, and earning for more of what God has to offer. 

So where is God leading you? Many times the Bible refers to what fool is. One that stood out to me was 'a fool can't stand to be corrected'. I had to learn to take correction, and have special consideration for the error of my ways that took me further from God. Why wouldn't I want to be corrected by our gracious God- it's for my own I want to be close to Him! Suffering is hard, and it hurts, but God is there through it all. When you suffer under trial of character, call to God and He will show you what it is He wants you to do, He will also set for you a way out: Isaiah 30:21.

The way is set and the way out is also the way in. Thank you Father.

Praise the Lord, I can't contain it today.

All the heartache I have been through the last 6 months have been turned to Joy. Praise God.

Hardships went through God, then touched my life. I lost my husband under terrible circumstances, I was hurt, I've been through agonising court proceedings, mental battles, and Spiritual warfare. I uprooted my kids, the Lord had made a way for me to go from a stay at home mom to living on my own. I was given a new place the Lord had set for me. I have learnt to trust as every need is provided for. I am continuing my education in University- with provisions from God. I have been challenged to forgive- a hard fought battle for my own good.

And today, I sit here with Joy in my heart and praise on my tongue, even still. I called on Jesus time and time again. I praised God when I was in tears over my heart ache. And God has proven faithful. He has given me what He had promised. I even have a glimps of the future and His promises for the changes I will be able to make. His purpose for me is on the horizon- I can see it. I have assurance, and blessing. I have peace, although sometimes temporairly interrupted as I forget not to worry. He takes me through this day, and then the next. He knows what I will face tomorrow and will have the Grace ready for me.

How good is our God? Trust in your turmoil, Praise through your tears, call on the name of the Lord in your distress, and be still in knowing. God will not fail. He had held me through trials I could not have gotten through on my own without Grace.

There is more to come. I do not fancy ideals that the heardships of life are over- but it doesn't matter. Because He is will me, even now and even when. In the Bible God is a God of justic when you are hurt, guidance when you are lost, provider when you are in need, comforter when your heart aches. He is a God to be praised, and feared, requires obediences and offers peace. He is there when you do right, and still there just as strong when you fail. He is the one who opens eyes and softens hearts.

Ha-ha- I'm still in victory. I will not be shaken.

I have a problem.

I have a problem with self proclaimed Christians separating themselves and everyone else from God. I had a conversation the other night with a friend. We were talking about one of the denominations, penicostle I think (I don't pay attention to these names proclaimed from men). Anyhow, I was informed that this denomination puts such restrictions on their Christian life style such as the food they eat, and what they actually cook with. Really now? Show me where God says you can put into your mouth what is unclean and I will show you where Jesus says it does not matter what goes into your mouth, but what comes out of it. Or look at Roman 14, please take a look- sometimes it awes me that this particular chapter seems to be completely miss from the Christian walk. I wondered with my friend if these are people with weak faith. He suggested that they would have stronger faith to have the will power to put such restriction on their diet. hm, now.

My conclusions today... do what you want with your food, with no judgement from me. But do not dare  separate another from God because they do not practice what you do. I am so tired of the faith of Jesus being torn apart by these manmade rules. If God did not ask you to do it, then it's more likely it would not be seen as pleasing to God. If it apart from the character of God, what meanign does it have. The WAY is already set- not set apart from some, but a way set for all, the only way to God.

ALL who call on the name of Jesus will be saved. It does not say all who do not eat 'the right way', or all who make sure they have a cirtificate before taking communion, or all who do not eat pork. Focus on God, not on these peasly things- and then have the audacity to tell someone this is what they need to do to be saved and live a Godly life, or have the audacity to say someone is unclean! I'm so tired of this separation over such things. Competition between who is the better Christian. God already told us how to live, and he would not mistakenly miss any aspect of faithfulness, like cookware.

Then someone comes along and is actually judged because they do not practice what you do- common brothers! Be done with the ways of man and seek ONLY the ways of God. Do not add and do not take away. Welcome all, and teach the gospel of Jesus exactly as it was written. God would not allow His word to be torn apart, he is not out to keep us confused as to the right way. The Bible shows the character of God, and anything else is the ways of men.

God breath your Glory upon us- show us what is right. Let us follow You- oh Father in heaven. Show us what is please to you. Let your word be revealed. In Jesus' name.

I'm not out to offend, I love all- and have such respect for those who love God, I just want us to be united as one body. How long can one stay silent?

When is my rest Lord? I had asked the other day. Today I heard an answer, I just thought I should let you know. My rest is in Faith.

I am already at rest when I trust God to bring these things to pass. I do not have to put myself in the place of judgement because I have already been REDEEMED in Christ. I deserve to be condemned, but I am NOT. Releasing your Faith will bring peace, understanding, and wisdom. Standing before God even when you don't think you deserve it shows Faith- in the promise God gave us. I can look to the throne and stand there steady, knowing I am undeserving, and feel God's mercy upon me. This is love.

My rest is already here. I worry and kick myself for my humanity. I can entertain fear, and hoplessness. These things will keep me from God, and when something keeps you from God- you know where it comes from. I am in victory. VICTORY, satan. I'm taking back what the enemy took from me this week. I'm taking back my peace and trust and uplifted hope. I'm realeasing my Faith over what the word of God has already told me He will bring to pass in me and through me.

Strength, Lord, Peace Lord, love and joy, Lord. Thank- you Father. For your glory I speak, and for your glory I shout Praises.  I take back what I said, it's not so hard to be a follower when you keep God in your midst- it can actually be thrilling as you learn and understand. Maybe the transformation can be a little painful, but it worth it to become better aquainted with the ways of God. Don't let the lies bind you to the hardships of this world. Don't let your face be downcaste. Look at our God, He is worthy. Victory is ours, says the Lord.

It's not easy being a follower. I've learnt a lot in the last few months, I've gone through a storm and am only now wiping the dust from my eyes. But I doesn't end here, does it? The dust is deep- my eyes are full of the dust of my struggle. It stings. 

I find myself everyday with new challenges. God said He will bring rest, how far from rest am I Lord? I know I will be forever learning, so when can I be finished in my purification of the fire. The fire has touch my life and I feel the heat of it. But I wrestle trying to understand how my heart has truly changed. Oh Lord I seek you, I want to know you, and I want to show you in ALL circumstances.

I feel like I have slipped from the... heavenly touch I have felt the last few months. I have fought anger again and malice. AGAIN I am learning to trust, and show mercy, and controll my anger. I just want to be like Jesus, but I am not Jesus. I am drawn to my unworthyness to even stand in God's presence. I imagine myself crawling on my kneese to the throne- I dont' even want to stand up lest I see His face looking upon me, my wretchedness. Who am I to ask for anything from Him? I was reading Psalms the other day. Psalms 13- yes Lord I feel like your face is hidden, but I TRUST you. Psalms 18- yes Lord, I feel as if the cords of death strangle me- and my cry came to Him. The Lord is there, even when I don't feel it. I wrestle with my humanity.

"He reached down from on high and took hold of me; He drew me from the deep waters... He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me" Psalms 18:16, 19. But FIRST ~in Psalms 14~ "The LORD looks down from heaven on the sons of men to see if there are any who understand, and who seek God. They have all turned aside, they have together become corrupt; then is not one who does good, not even one" 14:2-3.

He looks up on our failure~But THEN the Lord comes to rescue you. What kind unfailing love is that? Because AFTER our sin he delights in us. It says to me we will forever be in distress, forever sinful, but God truly delights in those to take refuge in Him. Only to take refuge... Praise God, thank-you my Lord, my king.

God is the same today as he was then. Tomorrow He will be too. Oh Lord in my distress, in the choke hold of this world, come down and take me to a place of rest. I call on you, O God, for you WILL answer me. Give ear to me and hear my prayer. Show the wonder of your love. (Psalms 17:6) Wonderous God! I feel unworthy to ask for anything, but our God TOLD us to ask. !!

Oh father, I am so thankful today. My heart sings your praise. All I can ask today is to stand in your presence, to stand up and turn my face to you in awesome absolution that you want me with you, you want me to know you. My Spirit is overwhelmed.

Succumb to the Spirit today- feel your unearned delight. Feed teh Spirit. Feel the thrill?

I really love our God. Often I am confronted with disbelif in the Biblical testaments and the story of Jesus. I have felt burdened with defending the cross as the story is called "silly", I am told quite spitefully "be logical". Down satan. No.

 It is true, God is not logic. God is not reasonable or theretical. How do I fight that? God has not stood us to fight the world's battle, but stand within His destined design.

I live God. The only way to convince others of the REALITY of God is to show them. God is not a book, or a song. You cannot find God in tree tops or stories. God is in you. God works through you. God's word is found in the Bible, but the truth has spiritual meaning only after God has found you in a way you cannot deny His reality.

I cannot fight disbelief, but if I allow God into my life, allow Him to lead me and teach me and transform me- God will reveal HIMSELF in my life. I cannot prove His exhistance, only He can. And He will, in His timing He has already destined. Untill then I learn, and grow, I transform and laugh with unbelievers. I speak against unGodly things in a loving manner, watch my words, I listen. I discern, and try to obey. I practice patience as God is EVER patient.

God will bring a time when the hearts of the doubters will be open to his possibilities. All will see Chirst. Oh how I love our God.